Rating The Sabres – On Their Beards

TOM HAUSER | TWITTER

You must all forget that I’m a woman, sometimes. I love hockey. I love the men that play hockey. I love men that can wear an awesome beard. That’s why this post has been created.

Playoffs beards have been a tradition in hockey for a long time, but what about the men who can properly rock a beard all season long? Those are the kind of beards that I love. I love beards period, in fact.

I decided to rank the beards of the Sabres as I see fit. I made a poll of who I should rank and accumulated a top six Sabres from who I’ll rank. I chose six for a reason, you’ll see why within this post. Let’s begin!

Beard the Sixth goes to…

Patrick Kaleta

FRED POULIN | HOCKEY INDEPENDENT

While Patty’s beard is quite full, I think it reminds me too much of Abraham Lincoln. Don’t get me wrong, Abraham Lincoln is flipping amazing and was an awesome President. Patty should be honored that he can rock it like our 16th President once had. I’m just not a fan of how it grows out. Now if we got far in the playoffs…I’m sure that he would move up on the list for sure. The positive about his beard is that it can hide a bunch of his scars from fighting and hitting people – wait, maybe the girls want to see the scars, Patty. Show those babies off.

Beard the Fifth goes to…

Mike Weber

PORTLAND PIRATES | PORTLANDPIRATES.COM

Mike has a special beard because of his ability to keep it nice and fuzzy all year round. No, it doesn’t explain why I put him at number five but that’s only because I have never seen this guy grow a bushy beard. Let it flow, Mike, let it flow. While it’s nice that you can keep a consistent five o’clock shadow running the entire duration of the hockey season, I would like to see more come from it. Unfortunately, I can only see so much of a beard coming from the pressbox. Forgive me, that’s not an insult. Lindy just doesn’t know what a rotation means.

Beard the Fourth goes to…

Drew Stafford

DAN HICKLING | OLEAN TIMES HERALD

I was trying to find an amazing photo of Drew’s beard (because I know he has had some good ones), but Google has failed me. In respects to that, I could only find descent photos of him with a full five o’clock beard going on. Drew has pulled some awesome facial hair in the past with the moustache he had in respects to Rick Martin two seasons ago, plus his infamous ‘Fu Man Drew’. Perhaps if he wore the Fu Man Drew all year round, he would get higher on this totem pole – but then again, this is for beard and not moustaches. I think if this were a poll for amount of body hair on one’s body, he might win…

Beard the Third goes to…

Thomas Vanek

Vanbeard.

It’s a glorious thing I’ve come to love during this summer since for some reason, he’s growing it in the offseason. In the ’07 playoffs, he had a fabulous blond beard growing that ended shortly when the Sens beat us four games to one. How disappointing. He’s had the moustaches going for Movember and for Rick Martin’s memoriam, but this is just…this is a whole ‘nother level of beardom. Thomas, I’m not the only Sabres fan who thinks you should have this all year round. Don’t come back to Buffalo clean shaven. I’ll know. I always know, sir.

Beard the Second goes to…

Ryan Miller

THE EDITORS | GOODMENPROJECT.COM

The last two spots were very difficult to choose when you see the beard that belongs to number one. Ryan Miller’s beard just speaks ‘freedom’ on so many levels, it’s ridiculous. The sign of a rugged, hard at work, American. That’s what Ryan Miller’s beard represents to me and it’s awesome within all of that. The man looks like Jesus when he gets it going during the year. Ryan Miller is the Jesus of hockey. Did I offend you? Sorry about that. I’ll try to avoid that in the future. Oh wait, freedom of speech, people. This whole insert has just been about freedom. AMERICA, EFF YEAH.

Beard the First goes to…

Ville Leino

Yes, you read that correctly.

VILLE LEINO has the best beard on this team right now, possibly. Period. I don’t know if it’s because he’s Finnish or what. It might be because he actually looks weird when he doesn’t have a beard growing on his face. It also could be because he has a awkwardly large chin which makes the non-hairiness more noticeable. Either way, congratulations Ville for having the best beard on the team (according to me, anyways). You have succeeded in something as opposed to those four or so goals you had for the Sabres this season. Here’s to looking to a brighter future? At least the beard won’t disappoint.

I made this post purely for shits and giggles. If you get in a tizzy over it, I’m extremely sorry that you take this seriously. I am a part of the ‘Basement Brigade’ after all!

6 thoughts on “Rating The Sabres – On Their Beards

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